Social Awkwardity

Mind. Body. Spirit. And a bit of a long, but important, post.

It has been very important to me through this season of self-care to make sure it goes far beyond the “treating myself” side of it. I learned early on that there’s a “dark side” that I’d need to be willing to conquer in order to truly be caring for myself and if I wasn’t willing to dive into some hard stuff, then this self-care thing would only be all talk rather than transformation.

I made a conscious effort to identify areas of my life that made me uncomfortable when I spent any amount of time in thought about them. True story, when I meditated on this and nothing immediately came to mind, my first thought was “Damn, I’m so mentally healthy and happy. I’m killing this human journey and making it my bitch. I should write books!”

Y’all, I’m such a moron sometimes.

I hate being uncomfortable! Mentally, physically, etc… I will do almost anything to stay in my comfort zones. Why on earth would I think for a second that 5 minutes of intentional thought would dig up years of habitual, subconscious burying of discomfort? Then something interesting happened.

I got a Facebook message from someone I used to be closer than close to.  The message didn’t get my attention but it was my knee-jerk reaction to seeing the persons name that put a lot of things into perspective very quickly. It took 30 seconds of small talk for hidden walls around my heart to start crumbling. I swear, I was sitting in front of the computer screen and I thought I could physically feel it happening inside me. It was beautiful and so, so ugly at the same time. I began to cry as I typed the small talk that really wasn’t such small talk on my side of the computer.

I want to note that the above really sucks and is SUPER inconvenient when it is happening at work, at your desk, surrounded by work people. Shake.My.Damn.Head. 

Now, the story: While in the ministry program I was a part of when I graduated high school, I met my best friend. We spent 3 years doing ministry together and once we left the program, she went back home to Cincinnati and I, unfortunately, stayed in Alabama. That didn’t last long because after a great visit to Ohio, I decided I was getting out of the south and moving up there. And I did. Fast forward several years and I am surrounded by the most incredible community of friends and chosen family. And a husband. Fast forward a tiny bit and there you find an ex-husband, and a group of friends and chosen family trying to understand what was happening and trying to figure out the who-what-when-where of support and encouragement. And that’s when I left. Looking back, I ran as fast as I could away from the discomfort of the experience and allowed the giant ugliness of the situation and my divorce define what was my entire life in Ohio. All I wanted to do was forget it all and move on.

For 9 freakin’ years, I was successful…if success is the ability to push it out of your mind any time it popped up and move on to other distractions so you don’t have to deal with it. You know, maybe, just maybe it’ll eventually go away if you do that enough.

Nope.

Because the desire to care about yourself plus the willingness to do hard things plus Facebook fuckin’ Messenger would not allow it.

At the end of July I returned to the Cincinnati area for the first time in 9 years and I returned to a few of my people. People that made huge, positive impacts in my life.  People, I now know, I miss so desperately. People I needed all along. People I needed to look in the eye and tell I’m sorry.

My heart literally aches as I share this because these people were a huge part of me and that part of me has been shoved away and hidden for so long. I went for reconciliation and returned with an overwhelming desire for reconnection that I honestly don’t know is possible or even deserved. I want my people back.

And this is the dark side of self-care, folks! It’s the side that hurts. It’s the side that can’t become healthy again until it’s broken. It’s not about taking responsibility! I hate that expression! As if true responsibility is up for grabs for the bravest martyr to snatch away before anyone else does. No, it’s realizing your responsibility and responding to it with action, facing the consequences and the pain until it’s finished with you.

The effort to keep this pain on the forefront every day is so hard and it hurts like hell but as you’ve heard before, it will be worth it.

Let me fall if I must, the woman I am becoming will catch me.

So in conclusion, self-care can absolutely SUCK sometimes!