Social Awkwardity

Mind. Body. Spirit. All the things.

When things start changing on the inside, so it goes on the outside.

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who would rather spend my energy somewhere other than on my outward appearance. It’s never seemed super important and I am one who enjoys being comfortable rather than fashionable. Well, people, that’s a load of shit!

Sorta.

Comfort is still number 1. The fashionable part, that’s different. I have no desire to be fashionable in way of what I am expected to look like because I have a vagina. I’ve tried to like the dressy, sophisticated, feminine things of the world…the skirts, the heels, the makeup, the long hair with BANGS! My life would be much simpler if any of it would’ve stuck but it didn’t.

I am a tomboy. That reality has been a struggle as an adult. It’s been a fight to bury the outward Alisa. And guess what, it’s completely unnecessary. So what if I’m not taken seriously by the dimwits of the world – they’re dimwits. So what if everyone assumes I’m a lesbian – lesbians are freakin’ awesome! So what if it’s a little different – most people I adore are different! These mostly southern, society-imposed thoughts are nothing to fear. And shame on me for getting caught up in it. I’ve missed out on a big part of myself and that’s on me.

Something I read from Amber Riposta recently put this all in perspective for me. She said, “A woman can and should be every version of herself in a lifetime. Every corner of her masculinity and femininity explored until she reaches the perfect balance that is a piece of them all.”

As my season of self-care carries on, I will undoubtedly continue to uncover pieces of me I’ve buried or have never met. Those pieces will converge for the rest of my life, creating the never-finished me.

In closing, let me share this:

Yesterday, I boxed up all of the heels, skirts, dresses, and clothes that I have always hated. Tomorrow, I have a salon appointment on my calendar and I’m getting my hair cut the way I want.

And today…

Today I freak out about all of it because “doing me” is super scary sometimes and that’s okay.

From the mouth of Childish Gambino:
“Don’t be mad ’cause I’m doing me better than you doing you!”

Of course, I don’t know how well you’re actually doing you so really there’s no judgement from me. I just like the way it sounds.  😉 -A